About Me

2 years to conceive a baby is the last thing I thought could happen to us...

Let me tell you a bit about myself. I'm 25 and my husband is 27. We have been together since Oct 13, 2000 - I was 16 & he was 18. We've got married Dec 24, 2006. We started trying to conceive in February 2007 with no success.

In September 2007 we were referred to our current doctor (RE) and she specializes in Gynecologic Reproductive Endocrinology & Infertility MSc, MD, FRCSC at fertility clinic in Toronto. Me and my husband did many test which all came back with great results. We were tested through Sonohysterogram, Laporoscopy, Hysteroscopy, Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), Semen DNA Fragmentation to name a few...

We did 3 IUI's; Then we decided to start doing IVF to increase our chances. Unfortunately, we found out that I have unexplained poor response to medications. We spent over $36,000 out of the pocket just in 2007 & 2008 for all our procedures. We had 4 failed IVF attempts, some canceled after weeks of expensive injections. Every cycle was a heartbreak and the pain never goes away.

Our diagnosis is UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY
Unexplained poor responder
Unexplained elevated prolactin
  • Natural - Feb.’07-Oct. ’07;
  • IUI#1 - Nov '07- Clomid 50mg (cd5-9); HCG; Progesterone 400g;
  • IUI#2 - Jan '08- Clomid 50mg (cd5-9); HCG; Progesterone 400mg;
  • IVF#1 - Long Agonist Protocol; Feb '08 - BCP; Mar '08 - Suprefact / Puregon 175IU; Canceled after 9 weeks of injections due to 3.2cm cyst on the right ovary
  • IVF#2 - Long Agonist Protocol; April '08 BCP; May '08 - Puregon 200 IU/Orgalutran 250 mg; ER May 14 - ET May 17; 5 eggs-3 mature-2 fertilized; Day 3 transfer; transferred two 8-cell & 7-cell grade 1 embies; Progesterone 600mg;
  • Natural - June ’08; Aspirin 81mg/Pre-Seed;
  • IVF#3 - Short Antagonist Protocol; July '08 - Canceled after 10 days of injections due to elevated prolactin 36.6 & poor response; only 8 follicles and not developing
  • IVF#4 - Short Antagonist Protocol; Aug/Sept' 08 -Gonal-f (225iu)/Menopur (150iu); Cetrotide (250mg);Ovidrel 10,000 IU; Progesterone in oil injections (50mg), Aspirin (81mg) Cancelled after 12 days of injections (less than 7 follicles); Later converted to IUI#3
  • IVF#5 - Estrogen Priming with MicroFlare Protocol; Oct '08 - Start Estrace Oct5 (7DPO); Stop next CD2 after AF (Oct11) start stim with Gonal-F (450iu) & microdose of Lupron/Suprefact (0.05iu); Took Aspirin 81 mg; Almost canceled due to poor response after 13 days of injections (only 6 follicles developing) + ovarian cysts; ER on cycle day 21 (!!!) after 18 days of stims; Got 10 eggs; 7 mature; 5 fertilized with ICSI; Day 5 transfer of 2 blastocysts (2AB both); one was hatching; None to freeze, all arrested; Crinone 8% & Estrace 6mg after ET
  • Greater than 50% of patients achieve pregnancy on their first IVF cycle.
  • Close to 50% of patients who had a second cycle also achieved pregnancy.
  • Finally, 40% of patients who did a third cycle achieved a clinical pregnancy.

Statistically, most people have become pregnant by their third cycle.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Existential Frustration

Life has lost its meaning. I’ve lost my purpose and significance of my existence. Sounds so dramatic, I know, but I just feel like I will never get pregnant. I am not sure if I am delusional but it seems like everyone around me is pregnant. It hurts so much. It is so sad but this infertility burden turned me into someone else. Someone who has lost that vital passion for life. Someone who is envious. I’ve never been like that! Life is not as interesting as it once was. Yet people do not understand, especially those who did not have any problem conceiving. What am I supposed to say to “You’re so lucky you don’t have kids yet, it’s a lot of work. I need a break. Do you want to take mine since you can't have your own?” Their insensitive, brainless remarks, like “you just need to relax” or “you’re still young” do not help. They do not understand that relaxation is not a medical treatment of infertility.

The most hurtful thing is when people that have kids say that they wish they didn’t have them. This world is unjust. They wish they could have my freedom and opportunity to go wherever I want and to have more funds available for themselves. When I hear that my heart bleeds. I know it does, I can feel it. I don’t want to travel because when I come back home there is silence of the empty walls around me. I have no one to share my stories with; I do not have someone missing me here. I go to work and I don’t know why I am trying to succeed in it when I will have no one to leave its rewards to. I’ve lost my drive. I’ve always had it and I’ve lot it. It’s hard and it is so much harder when people around you just don’t get it. I look at the old pictures of myself and I don’t recognize that person; the person with a sparkle in the eyes and a smile. I don’t know if my face is capable of that anymore. How sad. Sad of what I’ve become.

And no, I will repeat it again and again until no breath comes out of my lungs - I will not relax, take it easy, go on vacation, forget about it, move on or wait until a miracle happens until I have a child in my arms. And I don't believe in miracles. So everyone who wants me to pretend to be a happy cheerful clown can just wait. I am sad now and I will take my time being sad. I will not put on a smile. I will keep on doing every other possible medical procedure until I am where I need to be in life. A mother. So I guess after all, I do have a drive….

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